Experience: Relationships

One of the first things we do, even before birth, is form a relationship. After our first relationship is formed, we continue to search for meaningful relationships throughout our lives. These connections shape and mold us, affecting our actions, attitudes, and beliefs.

Being loved, understood, and accepted are concepts we hold as highly important and we look for these things in the people with whom we connect. We need the certainty of their loyalty and we are deeply affected when that certainty is not there.
 
I have had trouble being successful at relationships. Because of the hurt and disappointment I experienced in past relationships, I refused to allow any one to get too close to me. When I noticed someone drawing close, or if I believed that they were going to hurt me, I would immediately start to push them away. 

This tactic seemed to work at first because I was avoiding any further hurt or disappointment. It soon backfired. I eventually became an island with no real friends and no lasting connections. I often found myself lonely and yearning for companionship. I have even prayed for someone special to come into my life. But when they did, my mind would conjure up ways for them to hurt me and I would push them away to avoid what I was convinced was inevitable. 

I treated them unfairly. I was unfair to myself. I grew tired of being alone. 

I began to examine myself, my past relationships, and the successful relationships of those around me. I recognized my relationship mistakes and habits and set out to overcome them.  

I identified several past relationships that contributed to my distrust. I knew that I had to forgive and let go of the disappointment of those relationships and the bitterness they caused so that I would no longer fear letting someone in. Only then would I be able to maintain a successful relationship.

My distrust stemmed from the dysfunctional relationships of my childhood and culminated with a broken marriage, leaving me with feelings of abandonment, rejection, betrayal and lack of love. I retreated inward and preferred being alone. The problem is, I'm human and humans are wired to desire companionship. I was not meant to be alone. 

My path to forgiveness and letting go began with renewing my mind and taking full responsibility for my life and my decisions. I could no longer blame anyone other than myself for the path I decided to take. I ALLOWED other people's actions and opinions to effect what I thought about myself and, subsequently, the decisions I made.

I realized that I have (and always had) complete authority over my life. I could have risen above the abandonment of my parents. I could have endured when my ex-husband did not support or believe in me. I could have loved myself when I felt as if no one else did. I didn't have to let the circumstances of my life define the paths I would take.

I realized that the people who hurt me were unaware of what they were doing. They were selfishly considering themselves and how their own discomfort can be eased.

Finding the origin of my insecurity, forgiving those who hurt me, and devoting the time to rebuild myself has helped me to become more confident and secure in who I am. Day by day, I am rediscovering myself. I am maturing and breaking through barriers that have long had me bound. I am loving myself, growing past the pain, and am blossoming into a better, wiser, and happier me.